I’ve never been afraid of death. Oh, I’m certainly not courting it, but… no fear, either. I’ve always thought of it as the next part of some journey, whatever that may be. And if it is, indeed, nothing, that’s okay, too.
When I was taking care of my Mom, we discussed this all the time. Death was sniffing around her heels, and she was terrified. I would be in bed with her, holding hands, and she’d say, “Resie, tell me… how can you not be afraid of it?”
I’m afraid of pain, most definitely. And I was afraid of how much I would miss my Mom, she was my best friend. But death, itself… no.
She would say, “I can’t imagine or want to be in any kind of world, without you in it!” and I would remind her that for 28 years, she did just fine without me, and we would always, always be connected. Always. I believe that.
As it came closer and closer, her fear intensified, and I would calm her. There were people, she said, who had come to get her, they were loud, scaring her even more. I suggested how she might talk with them, so they weren’t so loud, so frightening. It worked.
Why am I sharing this, now? Because there is something that terrifies me, to the core.
I saw “Still Alice” the other day, and no surprise that Julianne Moore was superb in this movie, she is a great actress. The basic story, without giving anything away: a brilliant woman, a scholar, discovers that she has Alzheimer’s.
I didn’t sleep that night. Or the next. I realized… this, even more than pain, terrifies me beyond control. It is what Big Brother in “1984” would use against me. It is what must truly be the very depths of hell, on earth.
No, I don’t have any reason for concern, though that never stops fear. And even though I got the book to read, in time I will see other movies, have other thoughts, see a creepy crawly, drop chocolate, and this won’t be so close, so strong. For now, though…
Alice. I didn’t realize how many books, movies, use that name so easily. When I was trying to come up with a title, I thought of “Go Ask Alice” and “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”. Maybe there aren’t so many, maybe they are just that good, that memorable. I’ll have to remember… Alice in a title may be a great omen, even if the story is a sad one.
On a lighter note:
Mood: I wouldn’t have found that note on Mother’s Day!
May all your discoveries be wonderful! ✍